you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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