its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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