At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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