Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
