I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
