I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You made out with two different species that night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
