imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
