im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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