I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
