guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
