I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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