Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
