then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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