so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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