I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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