If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
