I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
