I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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