It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
