im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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