Where are you?
In a non slutty way
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
