i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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