You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
