Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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