rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
