How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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