We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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