Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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