The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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