Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
