I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
