I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
