I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
