The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They have beer where we have blood.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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