I am puke
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
