Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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