I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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