I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Drunk is not a location!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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