it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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