the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
