my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
