I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
