You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
