his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
