Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
