You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
