I looked at my own cervix.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
