my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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