I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
