how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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