i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
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he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
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I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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