So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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