there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
