He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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