White coat. Heels.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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