I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
