She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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