fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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