I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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